Bold F-ing Magic
One thing no one tells you when you start writing, blogging, vlogging, podcasting, or sharing something more than a shopping review, is exactly how deep you must go into yourself simply to tap into a subpar message (hopefully) worthy of sharing. Because when you’re discussing Life, it gets real. Real messy.
My (current) mess:
I’ve been writing a screenplay the past few months that’s thrown me for a bit of a loop.
Ok, a BIG loop.
I thought I’d dealt with this.
I thought I’d let go of that.
Haaa! said the keyboard.
Silly Girl, scripts aren’t for kids.
This is one of those ego-checking moments, my friends, when I thought I had it all figured out.
Yehhh, definitely not.
Nutshell version: Writing this screenplay is making me face the big Bold “F” (again). Seriously, how many times do I have to go down this F-ing road?? How many times do my friends have to pump me full of good vibes and “It’s okkk Candi, no one’s perfect!”?
What is the Bold F you ask??
Oh, just a little thing called Forgiveness.
FORGIVENESS. IS. HARD.
Anyone who says any different is lying to you and (definitely) lying to themselves.
If you’ve been reading me lately, you know I’m all about overcoming fear, being bold, and cleaning out clutter in my life. Noble efforts, sure.
Except the more I clean, the more I realize I’ve got a lot more cleaning to do. Loads ON Loads, actually.
I speak about boldness a lot. So, it’s no surprise that someone asked recently: “What’s the boldest thing you’ve ever done?”
WHOA. That’s a loaded question for a deep-seat thinker like me. I’ve done some physically bold things – skydiving lessons, parading with jellyfish, 7th grade (all boy) Archery Camp, Crossfit, rock climbing, triathlon training… blah. blah. blah.
Deep-seat me ponders, however:
(REAL) BOLDNESS REQUIRES BRUTAL HONESTY.
So, I’m not sure I’ve done my boldest thing yet.
Maybe it’s finishing that F-ing screenplay.
Maybe it’s (actually) sharing it with someone.
Just maybe, it’s getting honest with myself about the new mess I just stumbled over. (Seriously, stepping on Legos over here).
I don’t know where that bold line is, or if there even is one. But, I do know this:
So far, learning to forgive (myself) is the most brutally honest thing I’ve done in a long time.
Bold? You tell me.
For educational purposes and (possibly) your amusement, I’ll get a little raw about my own struggles surrounding forgiveness. I don’t share the (embarrassing) deep stuff often but, let’s just say I’ve recently been compelled to do so. If there’s anything I’ve learned about life through this writing journey I’m on, it’s that Vulnerability creates connection. Connection builds strength. Strength creates boldness and Boldness Is Required To Forgive.
So, (deep breath), here goes nothin’.
· I have abandonment issues. So, when someone doesn’t follow through, doesn’t show up, or hurts me (in any way), I write them off. Or, I used to. It’s not always easy to turn the other cheek, nor do I immediately forgive. It takes me a (hot) minute to recuperate. But, I eventually do and most times, I realize I’m just being a brat.
· I have a LOW tolerance for Know-it-Alls. Mainly because I was, at one point, a bully-magnet. I was a chubby-cheeked runt with a mullet and silver teeth.
So, there’s that.
And I (most definitely) can’t tolerate the bullying of folks I love. Well, actually, anyone. At all. Like, Ever. Even thinking about it does something to me on a level deeper than I can type. Moving on.
· Lazy folks drive me nuts. Don’t get twisted: I said LAZY. People who whine about everything. People who have a problem for every solution. And, my personal favorite: People who justify their nasty words (or actions) because they can’t face the mirror.
I’m working on this one, HARD. But, it’s a daily grind for patience and compassion. (Pray for Me Ya’llll! Send good juju! Do a rain dance! Whatever, I need it all!) 😊
So, there they are: My F-ing Three. Slightly uncomfortable to write for the world to see. BUT, after years of therapy, reflection, study, prayer & meditation, and being called out on my ish, I (finally) might have a chance at shutting down my worst critic: ME.
These are the things I give myself the hardest time about. If I don’t practice compassion every second of the day, ohhh boy… the late night self-talk can get real nasty.
That’s the purpose of sharing these with you though.
To let you see the real stuff. So, you know you’re “not the only one.” We all have ailments, “things” we beat ourselves up over, mistakes we turn into obsessions, and never-ending lists of should haves. And we gotta STOP.
No doubt the reasons for my aches and pains are justifiable. They come from real deep wounds.
No doubt I could live the rest of my life playing the blame game. Or, I could keep beating myself up over this or that. But, excuses, playing games and throwing punches just aren’t my gig anymore.
And, I firmly believe transparency cleanses the soul.
This type of clean-up job is a serious undertaking.
No wonder some folks act like ostriches. I certainly did.
It’s NOT EASY to let go of the hurt, embarrassment or anger. It’s even harder to forgive yourself for being impatient or give yourself a pass when you say (or do) something donkey.
It’s easier to criticize ourselves because negativity and comparison have become the new norm. Yes, I’m judgmental on more occasions than I’d like to admit. Yes, I’m an imperfect human making mistakes on a daily basis. But, you know what? I’m (finally) okay with that.
Because regardless of who caused the pain, whether it’s someone else or myself, I choose to love.
Holding onto the hurt gets way too heavy and nobody has time for that. Seriously, Nobody!
Until forgiveness becomes a habit, it must be a choice.
You must choose to understand that 100% of the time, other people’s actions (and opinions) have NOTHING to do with you! Not those who cause you pain. Not those who offend you. And certainly not those who don’t live up to your impossible standards. (Shout out Perfectionists!).
Our issues (probably) aren’t the same. I don’t expect them to be. The takeaway is, the journey to loving yourself through thick & thin, begins with forgiveness, and:
YOU GOTTA LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU CARE
ABOUT WHAT OTHER FOLKS THINK.
Only then can you can get brutally honest with yourself.
And that’s when the BOLD F-ING MAGIC happens my friend!
Here are some of TSS reader’s favorite Forgiveness quotes!
Feel free to share or add more!
Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.
- Martin Luther King Jr.
Forgiveness is the key which unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.
- Corrie Ten Boom
We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
They caused the first wound, but you are causing the rest; this is what not forgiving does. They got it started, but you keep it going. Forgive and let it go, or it will eat you alive. You think they made you feel this way, but when you won’t forgive, you are the one inflicting the pain on yourself.
- Bryant McGill
Disclaimer: No ostriches were hurt during the making of this post. They also don’t (actually) bury their heads in sand. They’d be Dodos if they did. Duh. 😊